Ah, Twilight, you mystical young adult vampire romance novel. Everyone is under your spell.
Everyone except for me.
That's right people. I'm going to sharpen my snarky claws on this one. I could take it when they were just books, but this Twilight movie thing is over kill and now it's time to get real with you.
I don't like the books. I have never liked the books. I faked liking the books so that I could bribe teens to read something. Anything. Even bad vampire fiction, and I usually like bad vampire fiction (I'm talking to you, Sookie Stackhouse. True Blood indeed).
Why am I not on the Twilight bandwagon? Hmm, well……
1. Bella annoys me. I found her to be needy, insecure, and far too wrapped up in her boyfriend. She ends up rearranging her whole life for this guy, blowing off college, her friends, and her family to fit in to his world. I don't think she's a strong female character, and she's not the type of girl that I would want to hang out with. And what the F is up with her being 'clumsy' and falling everywhere? Why is she so freaking helpless? Give me Hermione Granger any day- there's a smart, take charge kind of girl. Bella seems like she would die without Edward, and I prefer my heroines to be a little more self sufficient. And why are all these guys so hormonal about her? Jacob, Edward, and some random high school boys? And then the killer vamp? Does Bella show off some skin that we don't know about in the book? Because Meyer basically describes her as frumpy and clumsy, so how is that appealing to anyone, vampires or teenage boys? Bella = loser.
2. Edward is too good to be true. Curse you, Stephanie Meyer, why did you create this flawless boy for girls to lust after? Guys like Edward don't exist, and now there will be hoards of teenage girls forever looking for their Edward. It's like that guy from 16 Candles, Jake Ryan, who picks Molly Ringwald over the uber popular girl. That's not realistic, and neither is Edward. Ok, that's a lame reason to not be on board with Twilight. However, I find it kind of funny (and kind of sad) when I hear tween and teen girls swooning over Edward, comparing him to real life boys in their school. He's not real-life girls, that's why he's fiction. And I do find it extremely creepy that he sneaks in to Bella's bedroom to watch her sleep. In the real world, that is worthy of a restraining order.
3. Stephanie Meyer struggles with her plot… and her writing….and her characters. Twilight the series is badly written. There, I said it. Badly written. Is the premise bad? No, the idea is really good. The delivery, however, sucks as much as Edward does during meal times. Meyer's delivery of dialogue and plot falls flat. The characters are always standing around, waiting for the action to happen, but it never does. I found this to be true in the most current novel, Breaking Dawn. The book was building up to this big action sequence....and nothing. Repetitive, formulaic, and predictable. That's Twilight.
Now, that being said…
If I were a teen I would have jumped on board the Twilight train and made myself president of the Edward fan club. Oh yeah. But as an adult, I see plenty of holes in the story. And bad writing. Sorry, Stephanie Meyer. That also goes for your silly 'adult' book titled The Host. That female protagonist was just an alien version of Bella. And we know how I feel about Bella.
But, there are a few things that I like about Twilight. In fact, here are some of my favorite things about the series:
1. Jacob and his werewolf buddies are awesome.
2. Sparkling vampires are cool.
3. I would totally hang out with Alice and let her dress me.
And yes, I will shameless hustle this series to reluctant readers, and fake it like I love it, because I don't have to like the swill that the kids are reading, I am just so relieved that they are reading something.
Even if I want to smack Bella.
I feel much better.
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